Happy, Flow, Bliss and yet, Still haven't gotten my shit together...
Up on Time this Morning and that feels great as Morning Routine was on track with some Time spent with Lil Bear, a good Coffee, Dance to 70’s Rock, a Killer Workout split between the StrengthErg and the Endless Rope followed by a Transcendental Meditation session.
It is Thursday and while Breakfast Club (BC) and Work are the next up, my mind is on the Zoom at 5pm for the current class and the Intern Packet. I’ve had no return communication from the Professor of the current class nor anything from the 1st Week graded; at this point Ive imagined scenarios where He has either fled the country or some tragedy has befallen Him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hoping for that, just its like hey, if your not doing your fucking job well wtf you better have a decent reason….I knocked out the Discussion assignments last Evening and have 2 Time consuming lesson plan assignments that are set up in templates so no real paper writing and no quizzes fro this class. A reflective video to make with no way to know of it ever gets seen; the last 4 classes, the videos were shared with fellow classmates and commented upon but this class, nope, just the for the Professor’s eye only and no view counter so again, wtf. as no comments either; really, what’s the fucking point if there is no feedback. Anyway, I will continue to do my best work regardless unable to care less about my part of the equation regardless of the Professors’s part. By Sunday, I will be 1/2 Way through this the 5th class out of 12 classes and will soon have turned in my application for Internship with the CTC. Looking forward to actually being on Internship status as well as by the end of next month being halfway through the PEP. Looking Way Way into the Future, my Christmas present will be finishing this credential program…
All right that was a quick but satisfying vacation in my mind. Back to Today, I have finished the PFT for the 5th grades but still need to input the data. Classes will be smaller Today ( as long as there are no combos) as Kids are still at Tech Week. We continue to have Teachers out; 5 Yesterday but, we had 3 or 4 Subs so I was not pressed into service during my Afternoon Power Nap Prep. So, BC, 3 classes, Lunch, 3 classes, back Home and a Zoom at 5. HW. Working towards 0 HW over the Weekend.
I have failed to make progress on the Trike for Adam. My plan Today is to fit the delivery of the Trike to Jules (something I set out to do like a month ago now) in between Work and the 5pm Zoom.
After the Zoom a Beach Walk ( I will invite Whit and Prince)
followed by an intense HW session; all doable with Discipline and Action.
While this Morning, I am feeling good about Morning Routine and I am still feeling Im just gonna all it Balanced; never thought Id dig that or find it or values it in Eras past but, yes Balanced, Spiritually, Physically, Mentally. My attitude is good, the caveat, while I am in a space of Flow ( thank you Workout, Coffee & Meditation) I am still boggled when I work shit out or don’t during Morning Musings when I can see failure to follow through on things I have set out to do, things I have seemingly prioritized and then forget about or shelve or I really don’t fucking know. It’s that part of Life that has always eluded me and continues to be a theme in my Journey; that aspect, that feeling, fact of never really “getting my shit together”. I mean come on how fucking long would it take my Mentor Friend MASH to build and open a Gym? Not the literal Years I’ve been in or out of process. I recently came to find out the MASH also has written a book while I have been writing about maybe writing a book some time…Thats just a couple of examples of where I feel I fall short in Life. And yes, I can go all the Way back and look at the straight A’s in Elementary School before 5th grade anyway and remember my Pop gently asking about A+’s; you know what could I have done better. And no Im not that guy in resentment or blame regarding my Parents. I have nothing at this point along the Way but Love and Gratitude for my Childhood. Im just saying that Self-Improvement or the one can always do better has been at the very least background chatter in the mind cave and sometimes on a loud speaker on repeat. So what? So what. Do I really think, expect that at some point along the Way I will feel and look like I have my shit together? Or the other side of this Black and Whit internal dialogue; will I always feel that I have come up short of my the expectations I have of myself? How about the fucking Middle. How about it? I’ve come to value the Middle in my most recent Years in may aspects but when it comes to fulfilling my own expectations of myself, honestly, I don’t see that as something I will ever accept. At least that’s how I feel this Morning.
The only success I have had in Life, the accomplishments, have come from a combination of a Dream or Vision, a Goal and Action, Grace and Support or dare I say it, Help. The magical thinking that still takes place in my head, the Way I see how I would like things to be not the “I wish things were different” mindset; I don’t have that, don’t value it and see it as a trap but the Way I have described this thinking in past Musings; out in the Yard with Lil Bear before the Sun comes up and I see the castle, the Yard, my Life and then then Dawn and I can see the weeds, the repairs needed on the “Castle’ which isn’t of course a Castle, its a shack built by Oakies in the 1920’s not a straight stick in it except for the stuff built after the 89 Earthquake; the abandoned projects, etc. Anyway, I’m not bogged down by this currently, I am Good as stated, Bliss, Flow, Peace of Mind. I am untroubled but I do not wish to be in denial nor do I wish to leave any stone unturned when it comes to the Obstacle of Getting my Shit Together. And again, the only success I have had begin with that look at things and then Action and more Action.
63, headed to 64 and still a Work in Progress; I will say that I am not in active self sabotage nor am I depressed, or mired in despair or fucked up on drugs or alcohol, any of that shit. No, my issues are of Cadillac nature these Days and I am Grateful for all of that.
Grateful for Cin, my Kids, Lil Bear, Prince. For Friends and Fellowship, For the Castle, the Acre, YARD831. For the Gig. For All Needs Met. For Cadillac Problems. For this Day to Practice and to Continue.
